Woman's mantra is "Spray It Don't Say it"

Police: Woman assaults deputy with breast milk

When the cops wanted to speak with her they realized her way of thinking is "spray it don't say it". 

The cops thought she came to confess- didn't realize she just had something she needed to "get off her chest!"

Are you sure she's from Westerville? Sounds like she's from CHESTerville!

The cops told her she was under arrest and the next thing they knew they were under aBREAST!

The woman was defensive and said "what else was I EXPOSED to do?!"

Her husband was embarrassed and said he felt like a big BOOB!

The news crews have sure been MILKING this story for all its worth!

After the story hit the internet, it was straight to the BOOB tube!

Woman was charged with disorderly conduct as well as disorderly lymph ducts! 

See ya later and au reservoir to this guy!

http://holykaw.alltop.com/man-urinates-in-reservoir-city-forced-to-drai?tu3=1

Police told him, URINE a lot of trouble now buddy!
This guy really "pissed" a lot of people off!
Water you gonna do now peeps?!
Sounds like a DRAINing experience!
Every time he goes bowling he gets GUTTER balls!
They made a fairytale about him- the princess and the PEE!

Wired to be Weird

As a Floridian I just had to post this hilarious article that is funny because it is oh so true on so many levels!! 


Florida America's Weirdest State


Weird are ya gonna do?!
Orange you glad that's not your pet gator?
Gator Dunnnn!!!!! 
Some  Governors declare a state of emergency, Florida is officially declared a state of Emerging Weirdness!
Most people go to the beach for Lazy Days, in Florida it's for Crazy Days!
With so many economically diverse wild animals - they have ostrich and ostpoor farms!
Medicated lawmakers like to keep up with their loopeyholes!
The sunscreen they use is Going Bananas Boat!
The psychic's in FL read your Palm Trees! 
People go to the beach and say what have you dune for me lately?

It's an Aerosmith remake "Granny's got a gun!"

Cops: 92-Year-Old Shoots Man's House Because He Wouldn't Kiss Her

She was gonna shoot him right in the kisser!

Mr. Rogers does not want to be her neighbor!

What in the Helen was she thinking?

She doesn't beat around the bush- she's a straight shooter!

As the bullets were zinging by and all the glass break and go flying he realized he sharded himself!

Shes the new generation of nonagenarians!  

Afterthought:

I'm  just glad she had time to pencil in those eyebrows for that mugshot! 

What are you wading for? Go ahead and Jump!

Seriously, don't try this at home


There is NorWAY that guy should still be alive after that jump!
There were lots of bets POOLed around this guy making it!
If anyone's battery goes dead, you can be sure he has JUMPER cables!
At the end they all go to celebrate, nowhere fancy, he prefers DIVE bars!
The cops have pulled this guy's car over many times, he's know for his tendency to SPEEDO!
So many people were amazing at this great feat, I mean FOOT!! After all it was only 12 inches of water!!!
He's from Denver?! I thought he was from DOVEr!! Or LiverPOOL!
They sold tickets to the event, but no group rates- only single tickets- everyone in Norway goes Dutch!

Ice Cream! You Scream! We all scream for...Breast Milk?!

Breast milk ice cream goes on sale in Covent Garden

Not the BREAST idea I've ever heard!
Some people loved it and were all GAGA GOO GOO over the idea!
The PR folks for the garden are MILKING this story for all it's worth!
Others thought the idea was obnoxious and told the owners they were a couple of BOOBs!
Regulars to the restuarnt are timid to try it, it's taking them some time to LATCH ON to the idea.
Those with speical diets said they were LACTATING intolerant.

New Girl Scout Thin Mints - Sweet and asSAuLTy!

Fla. Police: Dispute over Thin Mints gets physical

This woman brought rage to the whole house! Even her batteries got aggravated! 

Whoa, when she said don't eat my cookies, she MINT it!

Roommate claimed innocence and said she was giving the cookies to her children! Are you KIDding me?! 

The only Scout's honor in this story is this woman being HONOR way to jail!

Her roommate pleaded not guilty saying "Howard I supposed to know?"

Her roommate finally understood when she saw the SIGN- flying at her head!

Howard's husband was mad- he said she is skating on THIN ice!

$10,000 bail?! That's alot of DOUGH to pay over some cookies!

It's a marshmallow world in the brewhouse

When Good Things Come Together: Introducing Beer Marshmallows

Wow somebody has DRAUGHTed up a good plan here!
I bet there's S'more where that came from!
They must weigh those marshmallows in GRAHAMs!
I hear it's a great company to work for, great benefits, vacation, even days set aside for BEEReavement.
Everyone is so nice, relaxed and MALLOWed out.
What's next PINTo beans?!
Another case of POUR judgement when it comes to beer.

YoYo project had to pull some strings

Walk the Dog Around the World

What a couple of YoYos these people are!
How did they get all that wood? The must have had to pull some STRINGS!
Using all that wood is an act of TREEson.
Who WOODa thought you could build a yo-yo so big?!?
Neighbors told them they shoulda spent the year doing something else, and they coulda done so much more with their time. To which they replied "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shoulda coulda WOODa!"
Don't they know TRICKs are for kids?!?
They've really had mixed emotions about the whole thing- a lot of UP and DOWN! Up and down!!
Up next kids, my newest trick, Walk the Dogwood!

Man Tallying Bananas Goes Home at Daylight

Jamaicans today reported that their neighborhood banana man had closed up shop. Bobby Jones, known for his banana stand and ability to tally bananas, created this local establishment and was one whom many called friend. Islanders were shocked this morning when they arrived into town and saw no stand and no Bobby. "Who's gonna count our bananas now?" many wondered. They searched the area and found a note that read: Daylight come and me wanna go home. - Bobby

Crazy Mom Sues Nutella for NotTELLa -in her that it contained sugar and fat

A Mom Sues Nutella Maker For Deceptive Advertising

Really Mom?! You should have known BUTTER!
The first ingredient is sugar!  I guess she's hoping to sue and make some SWEET cash!
There is NoTella-in what this mom will be up to next!
When asked if it contained milk, she didnt know, said she just SKIMMED the label.
Nutella is so confident they will win they are already having a party to celebrate - the lawyers would like to make a TOAST.....
This mom put the GREEDY in INGREEDIENT!!
She has gone hazelNUTS!!
She needs to read the label and get her FATS straight!

Ring around the rosies, ashes to ashes we all...get a heated pool!!!

London crematorium to heat water for town pool
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110208/od_nm/us_life_crematorium_odd;_ylt=AkthidCEPvS53zwFdKhEOOvtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTJzNWlncjJvBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMjA4L3VzX2xpZmVfY3JlbWF0b3JpdW1fb2RkBHBvcwM0BHNlYwN5bl9hcnRpY2xlX3N1bW1hcnlfbGlzdARzbGsDY3JlbWF0b3JpdW10


The Councilor should be given an award for such an energy-saving idea! After all she URNed it!
I hear people are just DYING to try the new pool!
Some people did not get the concept- they were just too SHALLOW.
Others said the idea was sick- but they were not out-of-the-BOX thinkers.
In celebration, there will be a ribbon cutting and grateful DEAD cover band.
The crematorium worker said it's a tough job, he's been working his ASH off.


Neighboring business owner didn't agree but shrugged and said "WATER ya gonna do?!"


Many Londoners said they didn't want to be the first to try this and that it would be more appropriate for LiverPOOL.

Super bowl with not-so-super singing- quite Aguinizing

Christina Aguilera's Super Bowl National Anthem Fumble: Another Reminder It's Not All About You

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/column-post/christina-aguileras-super-bowl-national-anthem-fumble-another-reminder-its-not-al

The writer makes a good point, it's not all about you Christina have some HUMilty. Everybody hums when they don't know the words!

They need to star-spangled BAN HER from singing that again!

The next bowl she should sing for is the toilet.

When they heard about this football singing faux pas in the UK, everyone was so shocked, you could hear Crickets.

It's the end of an aguilERA.

It was quite Aguinizing to listen to.

Green Bay told her she needed to PACKER stuff up and go!

The Steelers thought her version was the PITTS.

What telePROMPTED her not to look at the words?!?

The only field she was outstanding in was Dallas'.

Polish hunter sues for failing to find elephant excrement- what a load of crap that is not!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110202/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_poland_hunter_elephants;_ylt=AqIpbT9FPiRvAmIbaQlhD7DtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTM1NmluNzR2BGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMjAyL291a29lX3VrX3BvbGFuZF9odW50ZXJfZWxlcGhhbnRzBHBvcwMzBHNlYwN5bl9hcnRpY2xlX3N1bW1hcnlfbGlzdARzbGsDcG9saXNoaHVudGVy

The judge had a hard time determining which side to take- he said there was a huge GRAY area about the case.
The jury felt the anger in the Polish hunter's eyes- it was WAR they SAW.
He says his proof that there were no elephants and thus his right to sue is because there was no excrement?!? What a load of CRAP that is not!
The second time they sent him there he found an elephant right away. He really felt embarrassed then- said it was like there was a big elephant in the room!
His next vacation will be in TUSKany...either there or the IVORY coast.
He must have thought the German-based travel company had went CUCKOO.

Diet will help uncross opossum's eyes? EYE don't think so!!

Heidi the cross-eyed opossum on a diet for health

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110131/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_opossum_diet;_ylt=ArCS8r7cjG3J5KxE5_jkyYXtiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTJxaTViMWVtBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMTMxL291a29lX3VrX29wb3NzdW1fZGlldARwb3MDMwRzZWMDeW5fYXJ0aWNsZV9zdW1tYXJ5X2xpc3QEc2xrA2hlaWRpdGhlY3Jvcw--


Maybe she should try eating some hot UNCROSSED buns?!
Or maybe she should just stick to a marSOUPial and SALAD diet?
She must not have had her lucky black EYEd peas on New Year's Day!
Heidi had some objections to her diet and said 'LETTUCE talk this over first'.
They told her to not to worry and stop being a CHICKEN, just eat the lean CHICKEN.
So she just pretended to sleep, but they told her they knew she was just playing OPOSSUM.
She's gotten so heavy she can't play HEIDI and go seek anymore!

Old lady MAYO maynot be guilty for putting condiments in library dropbox.

Woman who dumped condiments in book drop pleads guilty

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110130/od_nm/us_books_condiments


The judge heard the case and is going to have to RELISH her arguments for a while.
She MAYO maynot be found guilty!
She should have know her actions would KETCHUP with  her!
She must have been quite mad to MUSTARD up the courage to vandalize the drop box!
She sure did get herself in a PICKLE with that one!
She must have really have has some CHIPS on her shoulder!
The book WORMS are now enjoying kethchup flavored dirt!

Hotel made of Garbage - where have you BIN all my life?!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20110121/od_nm/us_rubbish_hotel_odd;_ylt=At8C8J7kOPh7uhua.D3cNp_tiBIF;_ylu=X3oDMTJwZjk2dDNhBGFzc2V0A25tLzIwMTEwMTIxL3VzX3J1YmJpc2hfaG90ZWxfb2RkBHBvcwMzBHNlYwN5bl9hcnRpY2xlX3N1bW1hcnlfbGlzdARzbGsDcXVvdHJ1YmJpc2ho


"In the day spa at the hotel they feature back rubs-ish"
"They have an amazing huge clock in the lobby - its a huge WASTE of time!"
"Daily dance performances featuring the Garbage CanCan!"
"We thought this place was gonna be a dump! Turns out it's just made of garbage!"
"Oscar the Grouch makes guest appearance at hotel opening!"
"12 tons of garbage that used to be on the beach - the new Wave of hotels!"

CataPotting - New Olympic Sport?!

And this is the hilarious story of CataPotting (catapulting pot): http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2011/01/26/20110126arizona-border-marijuana-catapult.html


Let the PUNs begin!


"I guess they figured the grass would be greener on the other side of the fence!"
"It's cannabis catapulting! It's canapulting!"
"They must have taken the idea of 'getting high' the wrong way!"
"After getting arrested they looked at each other and said 'well that idea went to pot!'"
"Sounds like a real grassroots movement!"